Are you a dube of The Patriarcy?

It’s good to see Donna writing again at The Silence of Our Friends. On the topic of the latest battle between women calling themselves radical feminists and feminists of other stripes, Donna wrote:

The complicated part and the part that has these women annoyed, disgusted, and angry is that some radfems have declared themselves the arbiters of who is and isn't a feminist. Those women who choose and enjoy presenting themselves in what could be considered a traditionally feminine way and/or in traditionally feminine roles must be kept out of the feminism clubhouse. I'm not sure how this can be viewed as anything but as stifling as the patriarchy, our choices are still being constricted, but now it's by the matriarchy.

I think this is a great summation of the way a lot of us view discussions about makeup, dresses, sex with men, etc. The problem is, as soon as we begin talking this way, the response of radfem women is: "I don’t have the power to kick you out, so quit pretending I do! All I’m doing is expressing an opinion! Why are you trying to suppress my right to speak?"

I have to say, I can see good and bad points on both sides of this debate, even though I would imagine my current label to be sex-positive, pr0n-tolerant feminist.

In one of these discussions, I read about a woman who lost an employment discrimination lawsuit when she was fired for not wearing makeup in her job as a bartender. The details don’t really matter. What matters was several women were pissed that they HAD to wear makeup in order to keep their jobs.

Bear with me as I explain why my situation may differ from that of many women involved in these discussions.

I work in a corporation in the Midwest in which corporate dress, including makeup, is strongly encouraged. Yet I choose not to wear makeup. Every day I see maybe a thousand women at work and my guess is less than 12 of us make the decision to not wear makeup.

I experience zero discomfort over this decision, although I expect some of my co-workers may feel differently. But I can also walk down the streets in this metropolitan area and see dozens if not hundreds of women who also do not wear makeup.

Do I live in a lesbian utopia? Nope. But I do live in a state that until very recently was overwhelmingly devoted to agriculture. So the women who were and are valued here are strong, skilled and no-nonsense farmwomen. Flannel and denim clothing, leather gloves and steel-toed boots, strong arms and backs are the attributes of an ideal farmwoman. If you bothered with make-up it was gone after the first few hours of hard labor.

So my decision to not wear makeup is not seen as the choice of a militant feminist, but the choice of a powerful woman who has worked hard at good and honest labor. That makes the decision easy for me. Probably far easier than it would be for a woman living in New York City or Los Angeles.

It is hard for me to empathize with women who wear makeup resentfully or women who choose not to wear makeup but experience that decision as a source of daily tension.

Then again, I experienced that tension when I attended my 20th high school reunion. I had to force myself to not wear makeup – to not change my behavior just to fit in with that crowd. When I arrived, I realized I was the ONLY woman there not sporting stylish clothing, hairstyle, makeup, etc. I felt damned uncomfortable. I can’t imagine experiencing that feeling every day.

Which is to say, making the decision to be femmy or butch has different effects for different women in different environments.

I think it is useful when radical feminists ask us to question our decisions about how we dress or whether we wear makeup and why. Unfortunately, their appearance of being gatekeepers at the clubhouse of feminism makes it hard to respond in a way that is helpful in advancing the women's movement.

But what if we did talk about these things amongst ourselves? If you choose to be femmy or butch, do you think the decision is easy or difficult? Do you experience problems or benefits because of your decision?

I’ve noticed one rather odd result of my decision. I ride the bus every day. I usually get on before the bus gets crowded, so I’m able to observe the newcomers having to make a decision about which seat to choose when there are no empty two-person benches. It’s not uncommon for women to choose the seat next to me. But I’ve noticed that both young and middle-aged men, when forced to choose from an assortment of seats with one woman each, will choose to sit next to me. I think that I project an image of unavailability that makes them feels safer than sitting next to a more traditionally attired woman. Or maybe I’m imagining it.

So what about you? How has your choice of clothing or makeup affected the way you interact out in the world? Do you feel compelled by your environment to alter your behavior? Would you be able to change your choices on a whim without consequences? Could a butchy woman all of a sudden go femmy and feel comfortable? Vice versa? And does that say anything about the state of feminism today?